A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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