I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
