It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Randomize
