i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
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