dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
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