i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
