Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
