I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
