mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
