i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Randomize
