remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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