my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Randomize
