Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
