My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
