He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
