Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize