Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
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