I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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