she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Randomize
