Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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