If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Terrible idea I love it
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
