Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
