I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
