they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
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