He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
