they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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