It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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