I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
