I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Randomize
