She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
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