Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
