there was a trapeze. enough said
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Randomize
