I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
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