oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
me + whiskey = a bad person
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
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