Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
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