I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Randomize
