happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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