My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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