the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
