I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
