I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Randomize
