Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Randomize
