I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
