i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I stole a fireplace last night.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I just blew my weed a kiss
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Randomize
