if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
