I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
