You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
