ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Randomize
