how can u be prego again
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
