"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Randomize
