Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
