He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
