I could make wine with my vomit
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
