I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
