I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Randomize
