Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
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