I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
When are your genitals available?
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
