Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
