when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
