I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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