So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
