I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize