Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
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