I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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