I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
