Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Randomize
