look no pants
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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