i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Randomize