apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
