Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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