If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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