I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
